It's been over six months since I posted my last blog. It's not that I haven't had anything to say during that time. I think the reasons for not writing have been first, I'm fairly certain no one is reading any of this and second, perhaps a bit of self-effacement. I haven't really felt worthy to be pontificating about my spiritual journey when, to be honest, I haven't been feeling all that spiritual.
I suppose I've been going through a period of questioning. Questioning matters of faith, questioning what I want out of life, and questioning what, at this stage of the game, I can really expect to receive.
I've heard the comparison made that faith is like an onion. An in-tact onion has its own nature, character, and definition. But when you peel back the layers, what you end up with are a bunch of stinking strips. You may still have something onion-like, but the essence (the such-ness) of the onion is ruined. Or a motor. The in-tact motor has purpose, but if you dismantle it, you end up with only a bunch of parts.
Faith is like that. When you believe with humility, it gives you meaning and purpose. But when you start questioning and picking everything apart, or when you choose "a la carte" what you want to believe or, most dangerously of all, begin basing your beliefs on what others do or think, then you end up with a bunch of parts that don't make sense.
It goes back to what I earlier wrote about chaos. That blog entry was also written after a period of questioning. That had more to do with questioning why there was pain in the world. This latest episode has to do with understanding what it is I really believe and how I should then live.
And so here I am almost a year later arriving at the same conclusions. You must live your faith with abandon. You must defer to the teachings of the faith. It's not always easy. But in living life consistently with what you believe, there is peace and freedom. In trying to have it all on your own terms, there is confusion and despair.
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
I Have Arrived
I don't know where the idea came from, but it's one that permeates our society. That is the idea of "having arrived." The idea that, at some point in one's life, they will get to a place where all is well. The planets have aligned, the cosmic dust has settled, all the forces have converged, and you have achieved absolute bliss and fulfillment -- i.e., you have arrived.
Perhaps it comes from Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. For those of you not familiar, it's the idea that once all our baser needs are met (food, shelter, a sense of community and belonging) that were are then somehow self-actualized to pursue our higher purpose.
Or perhaps it's the eastern notion of death and rebirth -- climbing up cosmic rungs until you have reached enlightenment.
There's even the contemporary bestseller The Purpose Driven Life that maintains, once you've gotten your priorities in line and are at one with God's will you will find fulfillment.
On the mundane side of things we are bombarded by the media with the message that, until and unless we have all our ducks in a row (nice house, nice car, happy smart children, good job, hot-looking spouse, thin waist, healthy sex drive, etc. etc. etc.) we have not arrived. And, in the meantime, the media does everything it can (or so it seems to me) to make you feel inadequate (i.e., you have not arrived -- not by a long shot).
The truth is none of us have arrived. And none of us ever will. Not in this life.
It's taken me almost five decades to learn this. And I still haven't really internalized it.
As a kid, I remember thinking "when I grow up and can drive, I will have arrived." As a teenager, "when I have sex, I will have arrived." As a college student, "when I graduate, I will have arrived." And the list goes on, when I get married, when I get a house. when I make so much money, promotions, raises, get rid of my boss, relocation, travel, notoriety, fame............the list goes on and on and can take many different directions.
And then once middle age sets in, you become more and more aware that you haven't arrived, and you probably never will "arrive."
And the truth is, you won't; no one ever does. I've seen older people who have all their ducks in a row, house paid off, funds for retirement, the conclusion of a relatively successful career, lotsa a beautiful beaming grandchildren. And yet, they're still unsatisfied. They have not yet arrived.
In fact, the people who come closest to having arrived are the ones who are able to be at peace with their incompleteness. I don't own a house, I don't have kids, or if I do, they're not the smartest, best-behaved kids in the world. I owe money -- losta money. I have physical problems. My car broke down and I can't get it fixed. I lost my job. I don't get along with my spouse. I'm divorced. I've never traveled anywhere interesting. I don't speak a foreign language. I have no particular talents that make me stand out. I'm not pretty or handsome.
And in their incompleteness, they resign themselves to God (or to the winds of the cosmos, if they don't believe in God). And in that resignation, they probably come as close to arriving as is possible in this life. And probably see more of God's favor than all those with their ducks in a row.
It reminds me of God's call to the lost in the gospel of St. Luke: "Go out into the highways and along the hedges, and compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled."
GO TO THE POOR SLOBS WHO CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE, WHO HAVE NO RETIREMENT, WHOSE KIDS ARE FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL. GO TO THE COUPLES WHOSE MARRIAGES ARE ON THE ROCKS. GO TO THE UNEMPLOYED. GO TO THE UNINTELLIGENT. GO TO THOSE WHO HAVEN'T ARRIVED, THOSE WHO ARE OUT THERE GROPING IN THE DARKNESS ...AND COMPEL THEM TO COME IN.
Perhaps it comes from Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. For those of you not familiar, it's the idea that once all our baser needs are met (food, shelter, a sense of community and belonging) that were are then somehow self-actualized to pursue our higher purpose.
Or perhaps it's the eastern notion of death and rebirth -- climbing up cosmic rungs until you have reached enlightenment.
There's even the contemporary bestseller The Purpose Driven Life that maintains, once you've gotten your priorities in line and are at one with God's will you will find fulfillment.
On the mundane side of things we are bombarded by the media with the message that, until and unless we have all our ducks in a row (nice house, nice car, happy smart children, good job, hot-looking spouse, thin waist, healthy sex drive, etc. etc. etc.) we have not arrived. And, in the meantime, the media does everything it can (or so it seems to me) to make you feel inadequate (i.e., you have not arrived -- not by a long shot).
The truth is none of us have arrived. And none of us ever will. Not in this life.
It's taken me almost five decades to learn this. And I still haven't really internalized it.
As a kid, I remember thinking "when I grow up and can drive, I will have arrived." As a teenager, "when I have sex, I will have arrived." As a college student, "when I graduate, I will have arrived." And the list goes on, when I get married, when I get a house. when I make so much money, promotions, raises, get rid of my boss, relocation, travel, notoriety, fame............the list goes on and on and can take many different directions.
And then once middle age sets in, you become more and more aware that you haven't arrived, and you probably never will "arrive."
And the truth is, you won't; no one ever does. I've seen older people who have all their ducks in a row, house paid off, funds for retirement, the conclusion of a relatively successful career, lotsa a beautiful beaming grandchildren. And yet, they're still unsatisfied. They have not yet arrived.
In fact, the people who come closest to having arrived are the ones who are able to be at peace with their incompleteness. I don't own a house, I don't have kids, or if I do, they're not the smartest, best-behaved kids in the world. I owe money -- losta money. I have physical problems. My car broke down and I can't get it fixed. I lost my job. I don't get along with my spouse. I'm divorced. I've never traveled anywhere interesting. I don't speak a foreign language. I have no particular talents that make me stand out. I'm not pretty or handsome.
And in their incompleteness, they resign themselves to God (or to the winds of the cosmos, if they don't believe in God). And in that resignation, they probably come as close to arriving as is possible in this life. And probably see more of God's favor than all those with their ducks in a row.
It reminds me of God's call to the lost in the gospel of St. Luke: "Go out into the highways and along the hedges, and compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled."
GO TO THE POOR SLOBS WHO CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE, WHO HAVE NO RETIREMENT, WHOSE KIDS ARE FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL. GO TO THE COUPLES WHOSE MARRIAGES ARE ON THE ROCKS. GO TO THE UNEMPLOYED. GO TO THE UNINTELLIGENT. GO TO THOSE WHO HAVEN'T ARRIVED, THOSE WHO ARE OUT THERE GROPING IN THE DARKNESS ...AND COMPEL THEM TO COME IN.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I am the Weaker Brother
When I was attending Bible college in the 1980s, one of my fellow students was an older man (older to me then; he was in his 30s) who was working as a minister of music at a local Assemblies of God (AG) church. As part of his religious practice, one of the things he abstained from was going to the movies. I don't believe it was official doctrine of the AG that you couldn't attend movies, but the clergy at the church where this man worked had agreed they wouldn't do so.
I thought that was quite excessive. "Well, what about G-rated movies, can't you watch those?" I asked. He replied that, if someone saw him going into a movie theater, someone who had a weakness for watching sinful movies, then that person might use it as an excuse to continue with their bad behavior -- that he would then be causing his weaker brother to stumble.
The idea of avoiding behavior that may "cause the weaker brother to stumble" is found in various places in the writings of St. Paul. "...if food causes my brother to stumble, I will eat no meat forevermore, that I don't cause my brother to stumble." (I Cor. 8:13)
For a long time, I always thought of the weaker brother as someone else -- newly converted Christians who haven't yet shed their worldly ways, or people with histories of addiction. Now I realize that it is I who am the weaker brother. It's me who Saint Paul was concerned about. Me who is prone to stumble.
Without Christ, I am the alcoholic, I am the batterer, I am the licentious voyeur...and all the rest. Without Christ, I would be living in the gutter if I were still alive at all.
I am often amazed at those outside the Church who are able to carry on such fine lives. They manage their money well -- own their own homes, eat all their vegetables, send their kids to good schools. I wonder what force it is that constrains them to such discipline. Love of family perhaps? Insecurity or fear? Vanity? I don't know. I only know that, for me, my natural state is one of self-absorption, leading to self-indulgence, depravity, and ultimately chaos.
It is only in Christ that I am able to love -- truly love. And out of that love, act.
But back to this idea of weakness. Human weakness is an insidious thing, perhaps the most insidious thing there is. I was recently reminded of this by some disturbing behavior on my part, bordering on the sociopathic. I never set out to do something sociopathic. I didn't sit down one day and say to myself, "I'm going to start acting like a sociopath." However, after a period of time of slowly, incrementally, allowing this behavior to take hold, I found myself mired in something very ugly.
It was then I realized that I am the weaker brother. I also realized that my "sociopathic" behavior was born of many other personal behaviors that I had allowed to get out of control.
Drinking, materialism, sexual lust (I say "sexual lust" because there are other lusts as well), sloth, among other personal sins, had clouded my mind. But how did I manage to get so ensnared in these things again? You see, I have many times in my life repented, changed my ways, cleaned up my act. And yet, there I was again, wallowing in the muck.
There's a passage of scripture where Jesus talks about a man having been rid of an evil spirit and then the spirit returns, bringing with him other spirits, only to pollute the man's soul all over again -- worse than before. Now I've always struggled with the exact meaning of this as it pertains to me. I don't believe I am possessed. But I do know that, without being spiritually on guard, I do fall prey time and time again to my vices. And that there are spiritual forces that subtly whisper in my ear in order to hasten such a fall.
The idea of it being "the brother" or the fellow Christian who makes one stumble is a sad one. One in which I am sure the devil takes great glee. I have Christian friends (brothers) who drink too much, who engage in casual sex, who are arrogant and self-serving, and probably most common, who are materialistic and live to acquire. When I see these behaviors I, the weaker brother, begin listening to the voices saying: "It's ok to do this or that; everyone else is doing it. Look at so-and-so, they're doing it and they're no worse for wear." And slowly over time, I give in here, I give in there, and it is only Christ who is able to reach his nail-scarred hand down and pull me up, knowing that I will only fall again anon.
I have no great answer for those like me. Only remember to pray for God's protection and also remember that our true paradigm is Christ. Look not to the person on the left nor the right. Only look to Christ.
In Him,
The Weaker Brother
I thought that was quite excessive. "Well, what about G-rated movies, can't you watch those?" I asked. He replied that, if someone saw him going into a movie theater, someone who had a weakness for watching sinful movies, then that person might use it as an excuse to continue with their bad behavior -- that he would then be causing his weaker brother to stumble.
The idea of avoiding behavior that may "cause the weaker brother to stumble" is found in various places in the writings of St. Paul. "...if food causes my brother to stumble, I will eat no meat forevermore, that I don't cause my brother to stumble." (I Cor. 8:13)
For a long time, I always thought of the weaker brother as someone else -- newly converted Christians who haven't yet shed their worldly ways, or people with histories of addiction. Now I realize that it is I who am the weaker brother. It's me who Saint Paul was concerned about. Me who is prone to stumble.
Without Christ, I am the alcoholic, I am the batterer, I am the licentious voyeur...and all the rest. Without Christ, I would be living in the gutter if I were still alive at all.
I am often amazed at those outside the Church who are able to carry on such fine lives. They manage their money well -- own their own homes, eat all their vegetables, send their kids to good schools. I wonder what force it is that constrains them to such discipline. Love of family perhaps? Insecurity or fear? Vanity? I don't know. I only know that, for me, my natural state is one of self-absorption, leading to self-indulgence, depravity, and ultimately chaos.
It is only in Christ that I am able to love -- truly love. And out of that love, act.
But back to this idea of weakness. Human weakness is an insidious thing, perhaps the most insidious thing there is. I was recently reminded of this by some disturbing behavior on my part, bordering on the sociopathic. I never set out to do something sociopathic. I didn't sit down one day and say to myself, "I'm going to start acting like a sociopath." However, after a period of time of slowly, incrementally, allowing this behavior to take hold, I found myself mired in something very ugly.
It was then I realized that I am the weaker brother. I also realized that my "sociopathic" behavior was born of many other personal behaviors that I had allowed to get out of control.
Drinking, materialism, sexual lust (I say "sexual lust" because there are other lusts as well), sloth, among other personal sins, had clouded my mind. But how did I manage to get so ensnared in these things again? You see, I have many times in my life repented, changed my ways, cleaned up my act. And yet, there I was again, wallowing in the muck.
There's a passage of scripture where Jesus talks about a man having been rid of an evil spirit and then the spirit returns, bringing with him other spirits, only to pollute the man's soul all over again -- worse than before. Now I've always struggled with the exact meaning of this as it pertains to me. I don't believe I am possessed. But I do know that, without being spiritually on guard, I do fall prey time and time again to my vices. And that there are spiritual forces that subtly whisper in my ear in order to hasten such a fall.
The idea of it being "the brother" or the fellow Christian who makes one stumble is a sad one. One in which I am sure the devil takes great glee. I have Christian friends (brothers) who drink too much, who engage in casual sex, who are arrogant and self-serving, and probably most common, who are materialistic and live to acquire. When I see these behaviors I, the weaker brother, begin listening to the voices saying: "It's ok to do this or that; everyone else is doing it. Look at so-and-so, they're doing it and they're no worse for wear." And slowly over time, I give in here, I give in there, and it is only Christ who is able to reach his nail-scarred hand down and pull me up, knowing that I will only fall again anon.
I have no great answer for those like me. Only remember to pray for God's protection and also remember that our true paradigm is Christ. Look not to the person on the left nor the right. Only look to Christ.
In Him,
The Weaker Brother
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